If you asked me to recall the times when I experienced family love, they were when I was ill. There were a few times when I was so sick till I couldn't move, and my mom and dad were there to look after me. My dad drove us to the clinic, and my mom supported me in walking to the clinic. When I was younger, I secretly hoped that I would fall sick; then I could experience such care and concern from my parents.
But times like these are no more.. I don't know how to fix things, I hate the person I'm becoming into, heartless and cold towards my family. Even though my mother is not the world's best mom, and she's only a control freak to me now, without caring about my happiness, I still desire and hope that one day, I could have a normal daughter-and-mother relationship with her. It's one wish that will never change, perhaps.
"I cooked porridge not because I am admitting I'm in the wrong. I don't think I'm in the wrong. I cooked porridge when you were sick to repay your care when I was ill, and to show you that love is not about restricting and locking someone up and keeping their empty shells with you. I wish I could take care of you, but I feel so cold, so angry.. for what you've done to me, and more for what you have not done."
I didn't realise the hurt she'd caused me all these years.. I thought everything was fine. Only after I read my diary which I keep to vent frustrations occassionally, I saw how insecure and scared I was. When my mother left home. I was so afraid that everyone would leave me, and I'd be all alone. All these years, I kept these fears deep inside me and didn't let them show, I'm good at doing that.
One of these days I'm going to not be able to take the situation anymore.. I'm so tired.. Of being stuck in between the man I love and want to be with, and the woman whom I detest, yet can't desert.
Its okay to be unsure of practically everything in your life, right? Just filled with so much doubt recently. Doubt about myself, doubt about my future, doubt about God's plan.
I don't understand how some people can just find love. They don't struggle to find it. It just happens. Two people meet and become a couple. I don't understand how they can find it and I can't. Why it completely elludes me. Why I struggle. Why I'm alone and most around me are not. Why some people get several chances at finding happiness, and I am stuck for 26 years in a single state, and have not experienced it once. It's not fair.
Being discontent is a huge problem. I'm basically telling God that I'm unhappy with what He's given me. But I can't lie. I'm not happy with my current state. I've been unhappy with it for a long time. I try so hard to live the life I have now, and to be satisfied, but I fail. I'm watching friends get married, now I'm watching them have babies. Its hard not to feel completely left behind. Still in the same state, and watching others move into new territory. I want to move on. I want to have something in my life that is exciting & happy. I want to have good news.
Whenever someone says "What's new?" I literally have nothing to say. There is nothing new. Every week is the same. Every month the same routine. I don't have anything to share, anything newsworthy.
I try. I struggle to make the best of it, but I haven't been doing a very good job lately. The anger of "why me?" is back. And I feel doubt about everything in my life lately.
But why should God give me my desires? I haven't been very consistent or good at following Him. I haven't been really listening to His will. But do I have to deserve love? Do I have to reach a certain point and then I can be loved? Because I look at some people and think "they didn't have to deserve it? why do I?" And this thought pattern of deserving love makes me feel completely inadequate. So I try for perfection and fail miserably. Its a vicious cycle.
Everyone tells me "when you stop looking you'll find it," Great advice. Tell me how not to think about it, or how not to feel on edge for it when I'm surrounded by it. By people in love, by songs and movies about love. Tell me how to ignore it and I'll gladly do it, but until you've been single your entire life, with a smattering of disappointing dates and diasters, and you are 26 then I think I'll ignore your advice.
I guess this is my trial by fire, and I'm not doing a very good job of passing through it. I haven't been doing a great job for almost 3 years. When its over maybe I'll receive some clarity, but right now I feel lost in it.
I've realized this past week how much I miss blogging. I miss the atmosphere of sharing. Thoughts, days, events, ideas, photos. I started blogging on Vox in 2007 and for a year I was very loyal about updating at least once a week. Sad to say 2009 I was lucky if I posted every three months.
I think there's something to say for writing something on a computer screen, and sending it out into the internet universe. Something brave about opening up and putting your thoughts out for anyone/everyone to see. I miss having the openness I once I had. I think the past two years have been a roller coaster, and somewhere in there I lost touch with being able to be open. Let's face it sometimes just getting through a week is hard enough without having disect or talk about it.
My approach to life the past year and a half has sadly been to "get through it". I am by no means deprived. I am extremely blessed, and have more than most people. I've had small tragedies, as everyone has, but in the whole scheme of things my life, so far, has been amazing. But I've become discontent. I've grown restless and disappointed. I haven't been enjoying my life, as it is right now, but instead always wishing for something different. To be different. To have a different situation. To have different experiences. This constant state of discontentment has taken its toll, and the mindset of getting through days, weeks, months has been prevelant.
So I stopped blogging. I stopped writing. Stopped trying to create. I sort of went into a mode of keeping myself busy so I wouldn't have to think of any of the holes that were developing. Filling myself with unneeded things. I didn't even realize that's what I had been doing, until God recently showed me.
It's amazing what clarity Jesus can give you when you allow Him. I'm allowing Him to peel back the layers of how I've been living the past few years. Its been a bit shocking. When you stop self-evaluating you're in danger of not growing. I'm sad to say I haven't been challenging myself at all, and in that I haven't grown very much. The past few weeks though I feel I've exploded with growth. God has been showing me so much, and has been so faithful.
So with my mind now engaged once more I'm hoping I can begin to blog again. See you around kids.
You had me at New Moon:
I don't care how absurd or badly acted the Twilight Saga movies are...I'm a sucker. Mainly because I love the books enough to give the movies a free pass.
Saw New Moon yesturday, and although no where near perfect, its a massive improvement to the first movie. I was very pleasantly surprised to see how closely it followed the book (Twilight for me devated way too much from the book). I thought both the direction and graphics were much better.
The acting still is touchy. While I try very hard to not judge it too harshly, I really feel the chemistry between Kristin Stewart & Robert Pattinson is nothing like it is in the book. In the book they have a much witty repetoire, and seem more in synche with each other. In the movie they feel awkward & way too heavy.
Still a vast improvement, and I am satisfied. Wonder how Eclipse will turn out.
'Tis the Holidays...Here are two things that I love:
Things I Love:
- Brian announced what he would like to get me for Christmas: ANOTHER KITTY. You can imagine my excitement. It is such that I'm beyond even being about to use exclamation points and I have to revert back to using plain ol' periods. Also, this will be great for Fritz, who we think is getting pretty lonely, especially at night--we don't let him into the bedroom and he's taken to howling at all hours of the night.
- SHOPPING FOR KITTIES ZOMGZ CAN WE HAVE THEM ALL
- How affectionate Fritz has been lately. As we speak he's sitting in the chair with me, purring away.
- Brian, who despite claiming to have no idea how to get gifts for people has come up with an untoppable gift the second year in a row.
- Threadless, and online shopping in general. In the last week I have: ordered a Threadless shirt, ordered something from Woot (a WootOff, to be precise), pre-ordered a video game from Amazon, and ordered yet another Threadless shirt. The first one's already come in:
Things I Loathe:
- The PetSmart employee who I suppose didn't want to risk getting off even a few minutes late, so she lied to us and told us they don't do adoptions after 8pm. (They close at 9--we got there right at 8:30.) I called another PetSmart to confirm this isn't a company policy. We were going up to look again at a kitty we'd played with and loved last night (AFTER 8).
- My decreasing ability to control my RED IMPOSSIBLE ANGER! (That phrase is only going to be funny to me because I am a loser who has inside jokes with herself. I'm aggravated and will cheer myself up however I please, damn it.)
- Procrastination. Sigh. I cannot get myself to stick to a reading/study schedule and as a result, have something like 300 pages of (textbook) reading to do in a week before two tests next Tuesday.
I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming bout
There's a voice inside my head sayin'
you'll never reach it
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
lost with no directions
My faith is shaken but I
Gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high~
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna want to make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I've gotta have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting at the other side
It's the climb~
The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking,
Sometimes they knock me down but
No, I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna want to make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I've gotta have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting at the other side
It's the climb~
last night my Mom told me my Dad might be moving to Indiana for a job. He lost his about a month ago and is having trouble finding work around here. My parent's have been separated since last November, and although I knew in my heart & head they wouldn't be getting back together I guess I never really dealt with their separation. Now with the possibility of him moving it sort of hits me.
This all gets much more complicated because of my little brother & sister (3 & 4). When my parents separated my Father distanced himself from the family, and gave up a lot of his responsibilities for the kids. So much so that all he does now is see the kids once a week for about 5 hours. My Mom relies on myself and another babysitter to help her where needed. At first it was tough to take on, but now I feel like its been much fun with the kids, so I don't mind as much.
But with the move it feels more like a symbol of how little consideration he gives the kids. I know he needs a job, I understand that he needs to survive and his options or slim. I want to stop blaming him, but its hard because I feel his decisions can be so self-motivated. He's leaving his wife & kids to go to Indiana.
I feel so burdened by having to pick up the pieces of the family I once knew. My sister is out of state, and my brother has his own family. How do I begin to understand how fragmented my family has become. We once were a unit, so tight. Now scattered & broken.
I'm tired & scared & feel sort of like the separation has happened all over again. There is a chance he may not go. The place in Indiana hasn't officially accepted him yet. So we'll see. But if he does go not too much will change. He doesn't do too much with the kids now. Just the idea though that the kids won't be able to see him at all, and that he'll be unable to help my Mom in times of crisis. It makes me feel unsafe and scared for my Mom.
But I'll stand up & help where I can. Just hard to fight the rage I want to feel towards my Father. This is his job. Why is he abadoning his family and leaving me to do HIS JOB.
But I don't want to be angry. I don't want to fight. I don't want to make it worse than it already is.
Jesus, get me through this.
Reason I love Paramore? She can really sing. Now a days its hard to find a band whose good live.
